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September 2007

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silverwolf_chan in societyofsoap

Ah, reality, how you are destroyed...

Title: Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from RPGs.
Subject: Role-Playing Games
Category: humor
Summary: Ah, RPGs, how we love you. You teach us so many lessons about life. Some lessons, however, probably should be slept through...
Warnings: none that I can think of...

Screw kindergarten! Everything I need to know, I learned from RPGs.
You can learn a lot of things from Role-Playing Games. Many things are along the lines of believing in the power of friendship, or cooperating to achieve a common goal. But, there is a lot more to be learned from these faithful plot-driven pixel adventures. Like how the laws of physics and biology don't apply when resting in Inns. Or how to tell who's going to betray you. Or how economics really work. Join me, as I use real-pixel examples to pretty much screw everything we learned about how the world works.

On Breaking-and-Entering...
-You can barge into random strangers' houses without knocking or being invited in. You will not get throw out, nor will you be arrested, nor will you be given any strange looks.
-You can go through random strangers' stuff without them caring.
-You can also take their stuff without their permission.

On Monsters and Other Wild Creatures...
-Monsters are polite enough to avoid towns and cities.
-However, once you leave said town or city, they will swarm you.
-If you don't want to fight monsters, they will swarm to you. If you want to fight a lot of monsters, they will avoid you.
-It is difficult for anyone that you are not traveling with to harm monsters.
-Monsters carry human money.

On Economics...
-Every country uses the same currency, regardless of whether they are at war, on opposite sides of the world, have been cut-off from the rest of the world for centuries, or are on shifted dimensions with no way of contacting each other.
-If an item is very, very, very, incredibly, unbelievably rare and hard to find, it will usually sell for a grand total of 1 gold/gald/gil/dollar/currency name.
-When you need money, you will not have enough. When you don't need money, you will have more than you could ever spend.
-If it's shiney, it must be important.

On Death, Sickness, and Injury...
-If a character dies in battle, you can easily bring them back to life with an item or a spell.
-However, if a character dies in some other way, no matter how many items you use or how many times you cast the healing spell, they will undoubtedly be screwed.
-Spending the night at an inn can heal any wound, no matter how severe. It can also heal paralysis, poisoning, petrification, and any other status effects.
-However, spending the night at an inn cannot cure the common cold.

On Traveling in Groups...
-No matter how many people are in your party, only a certain number will go into battle. The others are content to sit on the sidelines and watch their friends die without intervening.
-If the fighting party dies, the not-fighting party will spontaneously explode.
-Your friends will only come to your aid if you're 1 hit point away from death. Even then, it's still a gamble.

On the Military...
-Top military generals are perfectly fine with going into battle one-on-four.
-No matter how large the military is, it will do absolutely nothing except attack you, even when you're on their side.
-Even if the world is about to be destroyed, all the military leaders can think about is who to go to war with next.
-Heavily-armed, heavily-armored, and well-trained soldiers are about as much of a threat as a roll of toilet paper.

On Teenagers...
-If a group of teenagers who are trying to save the world meet, they will instantly become lifelong friends.
-A random group of teenagers will beat a well-trained army every time.
-A random group of teenagers will always do a better job of saving the world than a well-trained army.

On Fighting...
-Heavily-armored random soldiers take one battle to kill, while people wearing almost no armor will take around three battles, then must do something ridiculously suicidal before they die.
-You can take as long as you need to decide things in battle- your enemy will wait patiently until it's their turn before they do anything.

On Heroes, Heroines, and General Heroism...
-The heroine will undoubtedly be kidnapped and need rescuing several times throughout the plot.
-This will happen regardless of whether is is heavily armed, an expert mage, or the best brawler in the party.
-If you're the hero, you are automatically stupid.
-If you're the heroine, you are automatically some long-lost princess, or the vessel of some uncontrollable or divine power.
-In order to be a hero, you must wield a sword. Other weapons are okay, but your primary weapon must be a sword.\

On the Bad Guy...
-No matter how much extra time passes (due to getting lost, forgetting the next destination, or sleeping in inns), villains will make no more advancements in their evil plans.
-The villain will always die in the end.
-The villain always has at least 2 forms.
-Before fighting the villain's last form, they will always call for some sort of divine intervention, and you will have to fight a fusion of them and said divine intervention.

On Traitors and Betrayal...
-An angsty/emo bishounen will always betray you.
-More often than not, you will have to kill said angsty/emo bishounen.
-When someone betrays you and you have to fight them, they will instantly grow at least 2,000 times stronger.
-If they rejoin you, they will instantly get wimpy again.

On the Laws of Physics...
-Holding and wielding a sword three times your size is as easy as holding a feather.
-No matter how big the suit of armor you're wearing is, nobody will be able to see it.
-No matter how large or heavy an object is, or how much stuff you're carrying, everything will fit nicely in your pocket.
-The items in your pocket will not weigh you down, rip your pocket, create a bulge in your pocket, melt, get lost, break, or fall out.
-No matter how many times you spend the night at an inn, nothing will advance.
-Therefore, time does not actually pass in inns.

On Saving the World...
-No matter how many towns you save, no matter how many evil empires you crush, no matter how many civilians you save, no matter how many monsters you kill, no matter how often you save the world, you still have to pay full price.
-Also, nobody wants your autograph, no matter how famous you get.

Screw kindergarten! Everything I need to know, I learned from RPGs.
I hope you enjoyed this, and I hope you laughed a little.


That is...the best thing ever. XD I laughed a lot, seeing as how I primarily applied it to Golden Sun and the like. Horray for RPGs!


Honestly, Natsumi, that was great!!! I'm thinking of abandoning school now LOL. J/K.